When I was working on “Verid,” someone commented that in the story even the bad guys aren’t judged all that harshly.  I think he meant it as a compliment.  I took it as one, anyway.

I try to view people with compassion.  (Sadly, I don’t always succeed.  More on that in a minute.)  I’ve found that it is easier to view people with compassion if you’re one step away, not directly involved, or strangely, if you have gotten to know them a little and formed a connection with them.  Isn’t it weird that being too close or too far away makes it harder to remember compassion?  

Today, a loved one told me about a heated exchange he’d had with someone else.  I immediately fell to defending both sides.  I told person A that his response had been perfectly reasonable then proceeded to make excuses for person B – suggesting that his reaction was so extreme and negative because he was stressed or tired or embarrassed, that once he calmed down he would probably realize he had overreacted.

I felt pretty good about that until I remembered how just last week I failed to do the same thing.  I had totally failed to see someone else’s actions through the lens of compassion.

Here’s the sordid, shameful story:  Someone responded to me in a way that seemed to both talk down to me and ignore me at the same time.  Man, I hate that!  I was so angry.  Did it occur to me that maybe the person was inexperienced, distracted, or just plain new to the whole situation?  Nope.  None of that occurred to me.  I missed all those perfectly plausible explanations for her behavior.  Instead I went right to “How rude is that?  I won’t let her treat me that way.”  So naturally, I was rude right back to her.  Poor girl.

I felt bad about it afterwards and made amends.  I was embarrassed to realize that yes, once again, I had forgotten not to assume negative intention.  I had forgotten to choose a softer answer, to see someone with compassion.

Most of the time, we don’t really know why people act the way they do.  So, doesn’t it make sense to view people’s actions in a positive way whenever possible?  Doesn’t it make sense to cut people some slack?

I think it does.  I know that sometimes I react in a more extreme, more negative way than is warranted.  (See above paragraph beginning “Someone responded to me…”)  Sometimes I realize why – too tired, blood sugar too low, pet peeve stumbled upon by some poor, unsuspecting soul who doesn’t know any better.  Sometimes though, I couldn’t even begin to tell you what’s wrong.

It’s been my experience that people sometimes react harshly for reasons they don’t fully understand and for reasons that have very little to do with the situation or person at hand.  People are so complicated and mysterious.  It makes them interesting but it can also make interpersonal relationships problematic.

The above recent events have reminded me of the importance of seeing people through compassion and connection.  It has reminded me that we choose how we see other people and their actions, and that we should choose a softer answer whenever possible.  If we do, it will be a kinder, happier world for all of us.

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”  (Proverbs 15:1)
(From Bible on the Web)